2:30 AM on a Sunday at my house, the day before Week 10 classes start. I return to San Diego tomorrow.
I've just finished one of the most difficult programming assignments ever, rivaled by the first set of assignments for this same computer security course. Now that I'm using a web form to type this blog, I keep thinking of random things to enter into the fields to try and hack this thing, which I definitely don't want to, I'm just getting nonsensical and delirious from exhaustion. I'm listening to MercyMe, which I haven't done in a while.
It's been quite the stressful last few weeks. Computer security, statistics, urban studies and planning, and intermediate microeconomics B has proved to be a more challenging schedule than I anticipated, coupled with my 10 hour a week job (that has been a blessing from God, don't get me wrong!) Midterms, papers, homeworks, graduate school applications/running around getting recommendation letters/transcripts (uggh, I have to do that tomorrow!)/writing personal statements/subject GREs (that I failed)/doing frantic research trying to figure out where to apply, Upper Room activities, programming assignments that I have to postpone working on until after the deadline so that I can get other things done...
In the 7 days before Thanksgiving, I managed to pull 4 all-nighters, where I got between 1 and 4 hours of sleep. I was sometimes able to pick up 1 or 2 extra hours with naps throughout the day, but that was it. I would have pulled more and needed to have since I got so far behind, but I physically just couldn't pull it off.
I was rushing around from class to work to UR activity to office hours to errands to getting food to the bus to the apartment pretty much all day, and barely had any time to myself. Which I'm accustomed to... but not for that long, and not with so much riding on getting everything accomplished.
And even after that, there's so much to accomplish. Over the next three weeks I have to finish one last programming assignment, catch up on half a quarter's reading in urban studies and planning, grade two programming assignments and a final, get all my transcripts and GRE scores squared away, get my letters of recommendation, fill out all those applications, study for and take three finals, do worship night media for Upper Room, and work on my research project. One misstep in most of these and I could mess things up for good.
I've always struggled with being single since junior high, but this quarter it's hit me really hard. I see other guys around me with girlfriends and wonder what's wrong with me and why I don't have one, no matter how hard I've tried and found girls who I think are "the right one" for me, where random feelings have come up out of nowhere... but where they've been in vain because it doesn't work out, no matter how hard I try. There were a few weeks this quarter where that was all that I could think about and where I could barely get anything done. Thankfully one of my close friends snapped me out of that, but it hasn't always been smooth sailing since. I know that my undergraduate college years are ending and it's a depressing thought to think that I won't have found my wife here, in the place where it's the easiest to do so.
When I got home for Thanksgiving, I pretty much crashed and tried to work on my "fun" projects, like Wikipedia and our Arbitration Committee elections, and my planning an intensive trip through the Middle East, and re-watching the first season of The Office, and watching History Channel: The States. Anything to get my mind off my problems. But today I have to return and try to get things accomplished.
What was the point of this blog? I'm not even sure of that myself, other than making sure that there's a (1) next to November in the thing on the right of the page. I mean, if you read my blogs frequently, this is usually the time where I say something like I'm trusting God to get me through. But this time I'm just finding it so hard to do so. There's just times when I just want to give up and sleep, to be honest, and I don't think that I have it in me.
I see God asking me to trust Him, to learn some patience and wait for Him to provide the school/career/girl successes when the time is right... but it's just so hard since I want them now, and because a lot of things in my life don't seem to be going "right" right now.
And I'm just going to end the blog here. I know this is a crummy and abrupt ending, but it's 3:20 AM and I'd like to go to bed.
First of all, I want to say, "I feel you." Really. Been there, done that. Last year was TORTURE, and it wasn't just because I was busy. It was having to worry about the present, the immediate future, and the distant future. Grad school applications SUCK. Period. I already commented earlier that everyone's personal statement looks bad. It's true. It's so incredibly difficult to convey who you truly are as a person in one short essay. That's the first step toward getting an invite/interview, though, so everyone stresses out over them. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to review what you've written - I've done that for someone else already, and I'll be doing it for another friend any day now.
ReplyDeleteOkay, a note on graduate schools. I realize that my program is different from whatever program you'll eventually get into (yes, you WILL get into a graduate program), but again, EVERYONE freaks out over meeting the "requirements." I was told I needed at LEAST a 3.5 GPA. I had a 3.4-something during the fall quarter (when I applied), which is where you are right now. YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. The GREs are important, but again, falling short of their requirement by a few points isn't going to be a deal-breaker. What the schools want to know is 1) whether you can pay their tuition fees, 2) whether you can be an asset to their program, and 3) whether you have the intelligence AND discipline to complete their program (thus preserving their attrition rates). Essentially, you need to sell yourself, and there are plenty of people who fail to do that based on their GPA and GRE scores alone. Again, if you'd like to talk to me about your concerns in private, I'd be more than happy to help you out.
(On another note, if you're on forums that are flooded with highly competitive applicants... get off. Mine was StudentDoctor.net, and let me tell you - talking to those people just makes you feel worse. You need to talk to people who are, oh, I don't know, grounded in reality? Like your roommates and friends! :D)
The girlfriend issue... yeah, it sucks. I'm not sure why you think college is the best place to meet your future wife, though. Life doesn't end after college. Your opportunities to socialize with the other gender doesn't end when you get your diploma. Maybe you feel this way because so many of our mutual acquaintances have found their now-husbands/wives through Upper Room. The thing is, that's just one demographic. Plenty, and I mean PLENTY, of people meet their future spouses at work. Maybe meet them at church. Many meet them through mutual friends, AFTER college. I'm not saying you shouldn't keep trying if you feel the opportunities have presented themselves... but I AM saying that, should you graduate as a "single" man, you don't have to feel like you've lost your best chance at finding "the one."
Keep trusting in God - but don't forget, you've got to put in the time and effort as well. I'm sure you've been doing that in all areas of your life, which is awesome! If you start to slip, though, remember that God helps those who help themselves. Keep trusting, keep trying, and sooner or later, you're going to see results (in the case of graduate schools, I'm guessing March or so :P).